Fixing the Gate

Three contractors were attending a conference in Kampala and residing at a renowen hotel in Munyoyo. One was from Kabale, another from Mbarara, and the third from Kampala. During their stay, the operation’s manager of the hotel Homes asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors, the operations manager  said, “Hey, we need our rear gate redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me your bids.”

First, the Kabale contractor took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, “I figure the job will run about Shs 900,000 — Shs 400,000 for materials, Shs 400,000 for my crew, and Shs 100,000 profit for me.”

Next was the Mbarara contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick calculations and said, “Looks like I can do this job for Shs 700,000 — Shs 300,000 for materials, USh 300,000 for my crew, and Shs 100,000 profit for me.”

Finally, the operations manager asks the Kampala  contractor for his bid. Without batting an eye, the contractor says, “Shs 2,700,000.”

The proprietor, incredulous, looks at him and says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

“Easy,” says the contractor from Kampala, “Shs 1,000,000 for me, Shs 1,000,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Mbarara.”

Engineers and lawyers

There are two big conferences in New York-one for engineers and one for Lawyers. They are both being held in the same building downtown. On the first day of the conference, two groups run into each other at the train station and chat while waiting in line to buy tickets into the city.

When they reach the counter, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a lawyer. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an Engineer.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats, but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (recognizing the engineers’ superior intellect). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed lawyer. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

When they board the train, the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

Got shingles

man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, “I got shingles.” She said, “Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you’re done, please take a seat.”

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, “Change into this gown and wait in the examining room.”

Half an hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.” So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, “I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can’t find shingles anywhere.” The man replied, “They’re outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”

Perfect witness

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied, “Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches.”

“What? How come you are so sure of that distance?” asked the lawyer.

“Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!” replied the carpenter.

Unprepared highway crew

One morning a local highway department crew reached their job-site and realized they had forgotten all their shovels. The crew’s foreman radioed the office and told his supervisor of the situation. The supervisor radioed back and said, “Don’t worry, we’ll send some shovels … just lean on each other until they arrive.”









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